Just “Role” with It

Let’s deep dive into the roles present in dysfunctional family systems.

Growing up, it was my job to act perfect, look perfect, care for others, and make my family proud. While that message was never delivered explicitly, it was coded in the interactions with my loved ones. Deciphering that is a tall task for a kid, so I lived in autopilot. Unconsciously living out the consequences of this reality until my senior year of college. I had a confronting experience where failed a major assignment. To some, this may feel like small potatoes. For me, it was everything but. Failing anything was not in my plan. I’m working on a post to dive a little deeper into this, but for now it’s important to note that this experience was a gift. I was gifted the opportunity to integrate the knowledge that I was capable of failure despite my “golden child” identity. I was invited to peel back the layers of perfectionism and sit with my deep longing to be truly seen and loved for who I am. And even see my family members more deeply, too.

To preface, it is important to remember that most families are operating at some level of dysfunction. We cannot simply label families healthy and unhealthy, or functional and dysfunctional. Families operate on a spectrum of function and dysfunction and each family has their own flavor.  However, some families are at risk of greater dysfunction than others.

Here are a few signs your family may be on the higher end of the dysfunction spectrum:

⁃   Addiction

⁃   Prolonged marital conflict

⁃   Emotional distance

⁃   Physical/Emotional neglect & abuse

If one, all, or more are present, the chance that you may be occupying a role in your family to maintain the dysfunction is strong. And the kicker is, you may not know it.

Roles exist to maintain a family’s status quo, which is assembled by the spoken and unspoken rules in a family. For example, “we can’t talk about dad’s alcoholism because he will become angry. To keep the peace, we need to stay quiet” or, “mom and dad are fighting a lot. When we ask about it, mom becomes anxious and lashes out. To keep her happy, I need to keep my needs minimal.”  How we respond to the rules in our family determine the roles that we occupy. When a family member breaks a rule, they step out of their role and draw attention to the problem or “elephant” in the room. You know, the thing(s) that everyone feels is present but is afraid to talk about?

Common Roles in Dysfunctional Families:

Caregiver

The role of the “caregiver” is to take on a large portion, if not all, of the responsibility in the family. The caregiver’s service to the family is to maintain the spoken and unspoken rules to prevent discomfort or negative consequences. Caregivers adopt the “people pleasing” mentality and generally care for the needs of others while, consciously or unconsciously, allowing their needs to go unacknowledged. The caregiver is often coined the “enabler” because enabling, or intercepting responsibility, is their primary job.

Due to social constructs, the caregiver role is often occupied by the female members of the family. In western, eastern, and many sub-cultures, females are historically represented as “nurturing,” “responsible,” “emotional,” etc. Thus, caregiver roles typically land upon mothers and oldest daughters. Many caregiver children are parentified, or assigned parental responsibilities, for their parents and other siblings.

The paradox of the caregiver lies in their needs going unmet. Once an individual begins to assume the needs of another person, they may begin to develop the belief that their needs are non-existent or do not matter. Identifying with the caregiver role is needed to feel purposeful because they begin find their value in what they can do for others as opposed to themselves. Thus, someone will always need to have a problem for a caregiver to feel valued. This contributes to increased fear, denial, and staticity in a family system.

 Scapegoat

“Scapegoats” are the members in the family that speak out and act out against the family’s problem(s). Scapegoats are often coined the “problem children” or more accurately the “truth tellers.” Scapegoats tend to externalize the pain of living in the family system by participating in self-deprecating activities that warrant attention (e.g., substance use, shop lifting, gang activity etc.) or activities that are out-of-the-norm (e.g., voicing progressive views in a conservative family). Scapegoats are desperate for their pain to be recognized and positive change to occur.

 It is not often that a parent assumes the role of scapegoat within their immediate family system because scapegoats tend to have very little power in the family hierarchy. It is important to remember that marginalized people are typically scapegoated by powerful systems. Many members of the LGBTQ+ community organically assume the role of scapegoat by simply being themselves. This is due to social or religious intolerance influencing the values of a family system. If a scapegoat creates too much discomfort in a family system, they will be cut-off from the family system and carry the additional label of “exile.” Another common identity for the LGBTQ+ community.

 Lost Child

The “lost child,” otherwise known as the “quiet one,” assumes this role of invisibility as a protective mechanism. This role, usually occupied by a child, has minimal interactions with the family and goes virtually unnoticed. The lost child does not draw attention or assume responsibility, they withdrawal. The lost child generally denies or represses emotions for fear of their repercussions. The lost child typically feels insecure about their communication skills in adulthood and finds it difficult to connect deeply with others. The lost child typically develops an avoidant attachment as they are usually victims of overt, or covert, emotional abuse and neglect.

 Golden Child

The “golden child” is the member of the family who can do no wrong. This member, usually a child, is seen as an extension of the parent(s). To be the “golden child” is to uphold the position of the “favorite.” Those who occupy this role generally experience deep pressure and loss of identity. The golden child typically experiences low self-esteems, a drive to overachieve, and perfectionism.

 The golden child is most accompanied with other roles like caregiver and the lesser common role of the “hero.” The “hero” is the “face” of the family. The family uses the hero to perpetuate a positive public image. The hero is commonly the golden child, but the golden child is not always the hero. The difference here exists in cultural expectations. For example, in patriarchal culture it is more common for the “hero” and “golden child” to be male. If the “golden child” is female, trans, or non-binary they may be less likely to present as the “hero,” too.  

 Mascot

The “mascot” serves as the comedic relief for the family system. This person is generally jovial and feels powerless in tense situations. To cope, the mascot will shift the attention from tension to oneself using comedy. This person learns to believe that their behavior can “fix” tension. The mascot only provides a temporary salve not a repair. Like other roles, the mascot tends to develop people pleasing and codependent behaviors due to the learned belief that they can “fix” people.  The mascot is generally protected by the family system but walks a fine line. If they use humor to deliver uncomfortable information they can be quickly rejected.

There are many valid reasons family members are hesitant to step out of their roles. For starters, roles keep us safe by providing us predictable interactions in otherwise unpredictable and chaotic environments. Sometimes roles are so ingrained that family members aren’t sure who they would be if the problem was resolved, the unknown feels too risky. If you have identified your role(s) and feel apprehensive about stepping out, that is okay. There is power in naming your reality, even if you aren’t ready to act on it. If this sounds like you, in a quiet place of solitude, ask yourself:

 -  Can I voice what role I occupy in my family out loud? If you can, say it.

-  Can I voice what the problem(s) in my family is out loud? If you can, say it.

-  Can I voice my fears out loud? If you can, say it.

All my love,

Caroline