Intergenerational Elephants & Cycle Breakers
I’m really connecting to my 17-year-old self these days…
About two weeks ago, my husband’s and my kitchen had a water leak that resulted in a complete kitchen remodel. Aside from the constant communication between our (quite lovely) insurance adjuster and various vendors, the experience has been surprisingly smooth. My husband and I have immediate family members in the area to lean on while sorting this out. Luckily, we (plus our dogs) were invited to stay with my mom since our house is unlivable. As you may expect, the transition has been infused with gratitude and challenge.
When I was in graduate school, a beloved professor described adult-child extended visits as a “time-slip.” This is when an adult child may feel like an adult while simultaneously, subconsciously, and accidentally slipping into an ancient yet familiar pattern specific to their family-of-origin. More simply put, it’s freaky Friday but you are an adult trapped in your 17-year-old self’s dynamic with your parent(s). This is the reason why after a few days with your parents during the holidays, things may become tense.
Adult-child/parent relationships are complex, even those one the lesser end of dysfunction. They involve a shifting of power dynamics, the renegotiation of boundaries, and a sense of differentiation or independence. Generally, parent’s hold a greater and innate power in the relationship with their child. For many years, a parent is physically, financially, and emotionally responsible for their child. A child relies on their parent to guide, nurture, and protect them. All of which assist in developing a child’s attachment and the tools a child needs to navigate the world, even into their adulthood. It’s a tall task. When children become adults, dynamics begin to shift, and the adult-child differentiate (develop a sense of self) outside of their relationship with their parent. The adult-child has more power over themselves (physically, financially, and emotionally) and begins to operate based off the attachment patterns and self-beliefs they learned during the formative adolescent years.
Differentiation, Functional & Dysfunctional Family Systems
In all families, members assume roles to maintain the family’s status quo, assembled by a family’s spoken or unspoken rules. In a healthy or well differentiated family system, roles are flexible, and shift based on the family’s needs. When faced with change, healthy family systems shift their common goals to support one another. This adaptable approach to change creates a functional family system. In unhealthy family systems, roles are rigid and exist to distract from the family’s problem(s) or the “elephant in the room.” When faced with change, unhealthy family systems experience gridlock conflict, or they simply fall apart. This anxious approach to change creates a dysfunctional family system.
When a child becomes an adult, a family is naturally faced with change. At this point, a parent’s response to their adult-child’s differentiation exists on the spectrum between acceptance and resistance. For the adult-child that receives acceptance, a healthy differentiation continues. An adult child that receives resistance is stuck. The adult-child can choose to stick to the status quo or experience the conflict that comes from differentiating and disrupting the family’s norm. Those who choose to differentiate in an unhealthy family system have been lovingly labeled as “Cycle Breakers” by the therapy community.
The Skinny on Intergenerational Trauma & Cycle Breakers
Usually, a dysfunctional family system is inherited. Problems that exist in previous family generations are passed down. In families where there has been trauma, comfort and predictability feel unconsciously safer than conflict. This keeps parents unconsciously repeating harmful patterns. Thus, the impacts trauma ripple into further generations in various forms. Parents may resist change because the anticipated pain of processing intergenerational trauma is too scary. So, if you are a cycle breaker know that you are taking the brave steps into a radically different experience for generations to come.
5 Signs you may be a Cycle Breaker
You are aware of your family’s toxic behaviors
You have been scapegoated for voicing your family’s toxic behaviors
You feel frustrated that your family won’t change
You feel liberated from painful cycles
You are grieving
Okay, I am a cycle breaker. What do I do?
⁃ Therapy
⁃ Build self-awareness
⁃ Emotional processing
⁃ Reparent yourself
⁃ Boundaries
⁃ Find community
If you are a cycle breaker, you are not alone. There are communities of people working to flip their generational scripts, say no, and heal. Lean into your awareness, challenge yourself, and keep breaking the molds. If you want to learn more about dysfunctional family systems check out my blog post, “Just Role with It.”
All my love,
Caroline