My Reaction To a Cheesy Facebook Post
Pun intended.
How often have you considered the importance of responding and reacting?
To me, the phrase “respond instead of react” feels like a cheesy facebook graphic I saw designed to inspire awe in the minds of the scroller. It feels like the phrase, “never go to sleep angry.” Well intentioned and yet, not the whole truth. Alas, I deep dive (spiral?) into the nuance and I am left with many questions. What is a reaction? What is a response? How do we get to the point of reaction? Is reaction bad? Can’t we learn something from reactivity? Why doesn’t this feel right?
Like the true word nerd that I am, I like to start with language and meaning. The meaning behind language shapes our lives, our systems, our relationships… our existence. Our words invite us to feel into each other’s experiences. For me, growth is a process of understanding and deconstructing language over, and over, again. Chiseling away at our constructs and altering our experiences.
Reaction
When I deconstruct the word “reaction” I notice it has a quick and fiery substance to it. On the most extreme end of the spectrum, reaction feels very primitive and unconscious, like muscle memory. In the world of mental health, reaction is most commonly accompanied by a trigger associated with threat or trauma. This is the classic flight, fight, freeze, and fawn approach. Reaction is biological, it is protective, it is nurtured by our uneasy experiences.
Because of the protective nature of reaction, you must compartmentalize things into boxes (e.g, right/wrong, good/bad) to keep yourself safe. The Patriarchal paradigm is one of the strongest reinforcers of this phenomenon as it conditions us to adhere to binary thinking. I can tell you, with almost 100% certainty, that when I am reacting I am trying to keep myself safe by being “right.” My desired outcome becomes “I am right, you are wrong.” When in reality, the only thing “I am” is triggered.
Being “right” sounds yucky because in the setting of a relationship, it is. Though, we can’t condemn reactions because we need them. If I am in danger, I need to be right about my perspective in order to be safe. But why do we react when we aren’t in danger?
When I am wearing my therapist hat, I generally interpret reaction as a cue that we have touched a deep wound. The person triggered has associated a stimulus (e.g., therapy, me, their partner, a memory) as dangerous. Reaction guards those wounds with tenacity, warning “stay away from my wounds!” This reaction often looks like John and Julie Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” or as disembodiment, separating us from ourselves and others. Growing awareness around our reactions can be a profound tool in acknowledging what needs to be healed. Acknowledgment of reaction is the first step in developing response. Begging the question, can we learn to respond without unlearning reaction? Are reaction and response more closely related than I thought?
Response
It is tempting to define response as “the opposite of reaction” but that doesn’t quite feel right. The opposite of reaction feels more like “passive”. To be inactive or submissive. Response has more movement and more intention than passivity. To me, response is the intersection of self-awareness and intention. To respond is to acknowledge both the information being received and the internal experience of receiving it. I have created the following ‘rules of response’ for myself:
Listen
Tune into the information you are hearing.
Repeat back what you heard and clarify. “I heard you saying ‘x.’ Is that what you mean?”
Slow down
Responsiveness and intention go hand-in-hand. Take a moment to decide how your reply will align with the intentions you have for this relationship.
Assume positive intent.
If I assume the other person wants to hurt me, I will stay in reactivity to protect myself. What if the other person(s) just wants to be heard? What if the other person(s) also desires closeness?
Acknowledge the parts of me that may feel triggered.
Relationships are hard and vulnerable. I can trust myself to maintain my okay-ness even when I am vulnerable.
I can not control the response of the other person.
There is no amount of responsive behavior on your part that will elicit response from someone anchored in their reactivity. Sometimes, the best response is to stop trying.
I think it is safe to say that there is a time and a place for reaction and response. There is no cheesy facebook post that can make me think otherwise ;) The next time you are experiencing conflict, opt for a responsive approach. Responsiveness invites response. You may be surprised by the shift in energy.
All my love,
Caroline