Mid-Dry January Reflections
Hi everyone! I am feeling all dimensions of gratitude in writing this post. This reminds me of the way early days of blogging, where connection and creativity with one another thrived (with cool photo filters, lol). I’m so excited to play in this space.
As a therapist, I am always told to “be careful,” or to not show too much of myself. Too much of me might be too much for my future, or current, clients. To me, this feels limiting and contradictory. Aren’t we supposed to be encouraging vulnerability?
I hope to use this platform to show more of me, more of my brainchild (coorself), and to connect with YOU. My community. Expect to see lots of love and realness from me and other coorself hosts. Thanks for reading.
Today I want to talk about sobriety. A bit of a random topic to kick things off with, but is it? With Dry January in full swing, I want to share my experience.
I began learning about sobriety in college. Actually, I named my minor “addiction and recovery studies” because I found it all so fascinating. I was perplexed that someone could live a life not consuming alcohol, even more so, how someone could get to that point. In my classes, things started to make sense and I began developing a deep empathy for those in my life that, from my perspective, were deeply attached to alcohol.
It wasn’t until maybe three years ago that I started considering my own relationship with alcohol. It is so much easier to recognize in others what you don’t want to see in yourself. Even though I didn’t have a problematic relationship with alcohol, I noticed a few things:
Alcohol served as a social lubricant. If everyone else is drinking, do I even belong here if I’m not? Will I be socially awkward if I don’t have a drink in my hand?
Alcohol is widely used in my family, but not talked about. Intergenerationally, alcohol dependence has been a vehicle for trauma in my family. Paradoxically, it has been a vehicle for coping through uncomfortable emotions related to those traumas, too.
I didn’t start having noticeable discomfort in my body until I was introduced to the college drinking culture. Was alcohol causing health issues?
Drinking alcohol was not a mindful experience. For me, I noticed a difference between drinking to “fit in” and exploring an alcoholic beverage as a sensory experience.
The first time I did Dry January was January 2023. It was tough socially. When I hung out with friends, I noticed discomfort with not being on the same “level.” This pointed me in the direction of really considering the cultural layers of drinking in America, which are vast. It also made me curious about how I was responding to my emotions. When I wasn’t using alcohol as a numbing potion for uncomfortable emotions (e.g., awkwardness, separateness), I learned that I could be uncomfortable and okay - at the same time. Even better, I learned that moving through the discomfort enabled me to be my true self in community. Who would have thought?! (I write giggling at the irony).
This go around, Dry January 2024, I am enjoying myself thoroughly. I love who I am without alcohol. Here is what I am loving the most:
Morning energy. I thought I spent very little time in 2023 feeling the effects of alcohol. But even when I drank very little, I felt “off” in the morning. I liken it to a subtle Jet Lag – not terribly disrupting but you know you’re out of your time zone. I don’t feel that anymore. I feel more grounded, clear, and energetic.
A comfortable body. My skin is clearer, my face is brighter, and I am less bloated. This is huge for me.
I can “hang.” This is funny to me because I always heard the phrase “you can’t hang” when I went home earlier than a group or fell asleep during the movie. Over the past few weeks, I have had the energy to stay up later talking, watching movies, having dinner parties, etc.
I am more mindful about meaningful gathering. I’m asking myself about what I am gathering around. What is the intention here and how can I contribute to create a more meaningful experience?
More to come on this, but here is my big hang up on being completely sober. I loved being in Italy and having natural wines. They tasted delicious, they were consumed slowly, I learned about their smells and flavors. I bonded with the Italian culture and was deeply immersed in the stories of the grape.
It is tempting to impose the question, “what do you love better, the benefits you get from sobriety or the few-and-far-between times you get to enjoy nice wine?” on myself. This question puts me in a bind. A bind is the opposite of being free. A bind is a fear-based ultimatum. So much of the heavy drinking culture is composed of rigid social rules that bind us between alcohol and our innate desire to belong. Meaning, if I impose rigid rules on sobriety, I will still be in a bind with alcohol.
So, I find myself at an unfinished thought. Like most things, I don’t think that I am going to arrive at “the” answer, but I do think that I am getting closer to what feels good for me. If you happen across this post, I am curious about what feels good for you? Where do you find yourself in this conversation?